Monday, March 09, 2009

On The Road

Anecdote 1

It was a weekend and an early morning flight. I was en route to a friend's wedding. As I queued up at the check-in desk, still sore at having to let go off my weekend snooze, a man sidled up at the counter, slightly unsure, but without bothering to go through the queue. Different cities do different things to you. My home city taught me to be patient and timid, kind but not very self-confident. My adopted city though has ensured I am full of the same bristling restlessness that takes you through days when politeness and patience don't work. The sight of the man jumping the queue raised my hackles immediately, in exactly the same way as it does every day in this city, a dozen times a day actually, dealing with people either too full of themselves or too insolent to care (Maybe the two states are synonymous?). As the conversation at the counter dragged on, I fidgeted and made snide remarks to A, insisting that I go up to the counter and tick the man off. I had been at it for a while, when A, exasperated, pointed out a tiny pin on the man's shirt, which I had failed to see. It had a single word on it: blind, and suddenly, in that fraction of a second, the wind was completely knocked out of me.

There are things one is afraid of in life. I am scared of blindness, both physical and metaphysical, and the implications of it, not just in my life, but in the lives of those whom I cherish the most. To see this man-- non-descript and averagely dressed, but with enough confidence to make him an equal in an unyielding world--brought back images of another man doing the same, in a faraway hinterland, slightly better than him, but struggling nonetheless to hold on to the legacy of sight...Who knows whether some insensitive individual mistakes his valiance for faults unknown, just like his daughter did to some other man?

Anecdote 2

In a tiny city in western Europe, against an overwhelming cathedral an old lady in a wheelchair sits alone staring in to the distance. Her face is wrinkled, but not sad. If you take the time to look, there's a twinkle in her eyes that belies the fact that the half cents that you drop in to her lap would probably go a long way in getting her a meal. Two kids on their way out of the church, stop to speak to her, their father standing in the distance, smiling indulgently at them. The old lady's face lights up and it's a pretty picture as the three of them chat animatedly. The lady's still smiling when the children wave goodbye and move away. It's evening almost and the daytrippers are on their way out of the city. As she sits there counting her day's earning, the setting sun rests on her face for just an instant. Age can be cruel, loneliness crueller...

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm not quite local, not quite a stranger. I'm either a local stranger or a strange local

I am going through a particularly hedonistic phase in my life. No, make that mental frame of mind. Right now, all I crave for is comfort, beauty, luxury, greater materialistic gain...the total works. It's like running through a fashion magazine catalogue, ticking the dresses that you want and wondering if it will make you look just as pretty and perfect as the models sporting them, do.

The ground reality is slightly removed though. There's comfort and beauty, but not quite in the same way. There's comfort, because everyday, when I go home, to the house that we have both so lovingly done up, it's like being back to my own space. It's my nook, my corner, and in a strange way, I never thought possible of me, my world too. I don't mind at all, for days altogether, to stay at home, pottering around, reading, listening to music, or just doing nothing. There's beauty in being reminded everyday that I belong, and that I am cherished, something which fills me with wonder every single day, even now.

So why, when I am so happy, am I craving hedonism? A friend of mine, quite given to living life on his own terms, has this to say. "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather, to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, woo hoo, what a ride!"

I am not that adventurous yet, but I suspect, it's got something to do with the thought at the back of my mind that time's running out. I am in my late twenties, and there's this feeling somewhere that I haven't done enough so far. There's this whole new world out there, waiting to be explored, waiting to be touched in to life, and I am doing nothing to make it happen. I am stuck in a professional status quo, boring, but comfortable, and I make no effort to change it or better it. I am coasting through life, superficially most of the times, in pursuit of the fruits of here and now, not knowing when to stop or where, all the time looking for a cure to my restlessness, in places where I know they don't exist. People have been suggesting motherhood, but I am not sure if I am prepared for that either, yet. I feel flustered sometimes, not just at the lack, but at my failure to do something about it.

And so till I find my way, it's the catalogues I am looking to live my life in. Hoping the labels fill fit. Or I'll grow out of them.

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

In Retrospect

Two deaths. A wedding.
An old address. A new home.

New routes. Old tales.
Pockmarks of jealousy; unease.

Illness, wellness.
Hopelessness. Happiness
and I-miss-you-so days.

Life paused today to say,
I am glad I was there with you every step of the way.

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Monday, August 20, 2007

This strangest autumn, mellow and acute...

It's strange how certain things stick to your mind. I was thinking of a recent exchange I had with someone I know and it struck me as to how little we know of ourselves and others...The friend, who was mourning a private loss told me, "You didn't understand it's about loss and sorrow, not something I can romanticise or write poetry about" and I was left speechless for lack of any explanation I could furnish.

The measure of love is not loss. Or if you look at it inversely, loss does not quantify love. I have sometimes wondered what it is about love that makes it so difficult to give up something or somebody. That sinking feeling in the pit of my gut telling me things will never be the same again...and the hope lurking in some pitless abyss for a dawn of redemption...

I don't revere love, but I treasure it, just as the way I treasure sorrow. Not because sorrow and loss feed my romanticism, but because I am scared of their potential. What you know is what you have got. I know love in the way it touches my life every possible way, but I am also aware of sorrow because I fear the power of loss...There is no romance in it, no scope of a sympathetic chorus. I am scared, selfishly so. For what is yours today might be mine some other day. That is all.

In the meantime A has come back and I can't tell you the exquisite relief in knowing that we'll come home to each other, every evening, for the time being at least. There's so much to do right now that we hardly have time to talk to each other. There are pressing things on hand, PIL's failing health, things going wrong at the workplace--too many things that tire us out before we eventually get some time together. But just catching his eye over the dinner table, or the quick hug in the kitchen or the strong shoulder to lean on when I am totally spent mean so much that all the stress and the duress don't matter anymore. I love the us that we are...I hope we stay this way...

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Friday, February 23, 2007

I'm not looking for another, As I wander in my time, Walk me to the corner, Our steps will always rhyme

White Noise

Words sometimes,
Have a strange habit
Of getting lost,
In the labyrinth

Of our life together.

You are the one
they are meant for;

You are the one
they can't reach to.

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