Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Winter, spring, summer or fall, All you have to do is call

Tall is coming back to the city in August with a new job. Much yay-ness there. Have been willing her to get back all this while and now it has actually happened! Really missed her and Maddy in the one year that they quit this job and moved on. But now she'll be here and even Maddy will come to town for the weekend. So, much joy and celebration, not to mention re-unions around the corner.

Speaking of re-unions, spent a clandestine couple of days this last weekend with my old flatmates and had such a great time, that it kind of made up for the surreptitious guilt of sneaking out of my duties as a host and indulging myself. I don't know why people say women can't be friends with women--A keeps telling me it's a bit of an anachronism--but if you ever saw us there, in that quaint place which we called home, you wouldn't really stick to your argument.

Happy, Shy, Fish, Golden--all our paths have criss-crossed and diverged, but when we get together even for a while, it's almost like the bubble hasn't burst. It re-assures me, this familiarity of reactions. We still laugh maniacally over silly things, still shop like crazy, share advice, mope over our respective woes, even bitch these days quite a fair bit and then move on ahead. Some relations come without pressures of expectation. Mine with my old flatmates is pretty much fancy free. It's heady and it makes me feel so bloody good!

But then, like all good things, this camaraderie too comes with an expiry date: Happy is moving to Yankee doodle shores next month, Shy to Sea City and Fish is in a state of limbo, caught between duties and desires, and too freaked out to do much besides. And oh, did I mention, Chirpy got engaged the Friday I was there? To a guy who has been steadfastly pursuing her for a while? I saw their snaps the other day. They look so absolutely delightful! Sigh, I'll always be a sucker for romances!

Anyway, to come back to the point, it's fun, these occasional meetings, where you are just yourself--sans baggage, sans the load of being or becoming. No deep commitments, and nothing to be had out of it except some lovely moments of unadulterated freewheeling. I have been feeling very satiated since I met the girls, and now I can't wait for Tall to be back. Life isn't all that bad really now, is it?


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

What if, maybe, and then some more!

I am all topsy-turvy today. Bright gold sunshine treacling down my back, dripping down my shoulders, enfolding me in a gilt-edged bubble and suddenly I am all breathless like I have been under water too long. I want to rush through the days, these days edged with emptiness, these honey gold days laced with longing and loneliness, and reach tomorrow. Now.

Ironically, there's a lot to fill my days with lately--work's been busy, and there's been that many books to catch up on at home. Then there's the laundery to be done, the daily grocery, cooking, dusting--the entire housekeeping regime to run through. But somewhere in between, I pause and I wonder, if this is all that there ever will be to my life...this endless running through days ticking off the chores in my mind, planning, always planning to do all the things that I have forever meant to do, somewhere down the way.

The truth is, and I admit, I have always known it deep down somewhere, that I am inordinately lazy when it comes to giving wings to my desires--the kind of laziness that prompts you to put off things that need not be done right now, for later, and then forget it eventually. When I run through my days, filled with all the things that I am programmed to do by way of habit, all the things that have fallen into a pattern, I have them at the back of my mind as an escape route that I'll fall back on someday.

That never arrives.

Which is why on days like today I feel suffused with a surfeit of dreams threatening to spill out and run amok;

Only, not knowing where to go,

They slowly creep back into their carefully-constructed labyrinths, hoping to be smoked out by the sun on another forgotten morning down the road;