Friday, February 01, 2008

Do you feel like I do?

Ri... died on the 26th. Four days after she was born. Three days after she was detected with an under-developed heart and dysfunctional lungs. I did not have the chance to meet her. My only acquaintance with her was through the joy in her father's voice the evening she was born, ringing out over the telephone with wonder and awe, and what seemed suspiciously like love.

What do you make of life?

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I am living in the extremes these days, dithering between nervous anxiety and bouts of happiness. It's a strange reality really, considering that life has been good to me on the whole. But there are catches here and there, niggling little stabs that punctuate my equanimity. They are not insurmountable, maybe they will be positive even, but they are bogging me down right now. I have been wishing that I had done things differently, planned and organised my life better. Wishful thinking that fuels the sense of under-achievement. But then, when I go home every evening, and I see A, comforting and protective, I am filled with thankfulness and gratitude that I have him to fall back upon. When I talk to friends and family, I know my blessings and feel the warmth inside.

What do I make of life then?

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If I can let you go as trees let go their leaves, so casually, one by one; If I can come to know what they do know, That fall is the release, the consummation, Then fear of time and the uncertain fruit Would not distemper the great lucid skies. This strangest autumn, mellow and acute.

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3 Comments:

Blogger The Line of Beauty said...

I can't express how moved I am by ur writing...you have always been my favorite blogger..

I lost someone close too- a void irreplaceble, which reminds me day after day of things that were unfinished, the words that were unsaid..

12:35 AM GMT+5:30  
Blogger arykko said...

your posts are very touching...i have no words to soothe your pain...

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

9:51 PM GMT+5:30  
Blogger erisedangel said...

nothing can compare to the pain of losing a child... i agree with arykko. "you can close your eyes and pray that she'll comeback or you can open your eyes and see all she left." and in the darkness of the night, what do you make of life then?

2:14 PM GMT+5:30  

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